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May 9, 2008
Marriage, spiritual growth share similarities - For those wise consumers who like the idea of getting two for the price of one, I offer this enticing prospect: the path towards marital stability and happiness is the same as the path toward spiritual growth and enlightenment. Whatever you do to contribute to one will enhance the other. This is not to say that a committed and successful relatio... Full Story

May 2, 2008
Total freedom requires bravery - In this time of war, when young men and women are dying on foreign territory, we might give a thought to courage: what it is, who has it, and how to get it. One thing we might understand about courage is that it is not the absence of fear. It is functioning in the presence of fear, or, facing the fear and doing things anyway. But, this is physica... Full Story

April 25, 2008
Fear of freedom - In my last column I tried to make the case for allowing your loved ones as much freedom as they can possibly handle. Now why in the world would you want to do that? Well, isn't this America? We have a curious relationship with the whole concept of "freedom," it seems to me. Much as with sex, we love it and glorify it. On the other hand, we deplo... Full Story

April 18, 2008
Total freedom requires bravery - In this time of war, when young men and women are dying on foreign territory, we might give a thought to courage, what it is, who has it and how to get it. One thing we might understand about courage is that it is not the absence of fear. Courage is functioning in the presence of fear, that is, facing the fear and doing things anyway, despite the... Full Story

April 11, 2008
Total freedom requires bravery - In this time of war, when young men and women are dying on foreign territory, we might give a thought to courage, what it is, who has it and how to get it. One thing we might understand about courage is that it is not the absence of fear. Courage is functioning in the presence of fear, that is, facing the fear and doing things anyway, despite the... Full Story

April 4, 2008
Don't expect spouse to parent you - Many marriages could be said to contain one spouse who is "over-functional" and one who is "under-functional." An over-functioning spouse is one who "parents" his or her partner, assuming responsibility for him or her and supervising most aspects of his or her actions. Though very common, this kind of imbalance in a marriage is an intimacy killer... Full Story

March 28, 2008
Dealing with early developmental struggles - Loving a baby is pretty easy once you get used to the manual labor and constant vigilance demanded. There's just an awful lot of work to do and it never stops. You can't leave that helpless creature alone for very long and even when you do, you don't want to go out of earshot. But the child is so innocent and sweet. She/he has no agenda other tha... Full Story

March 21, 2008
Discipline for tots - Most parents take their role as "people-maker" pretty seriously, and well they should. Parenting is a huge responsibility and there is a great deal riding on your success in that role. The well-being of your child, as well as the immediate happiness of others who come into contact with that person you're training, are both at stake. You want to g... Full Story

March 7, 2008
Dance your way to relationship health - Want to jumpstart your tired romance? Why don't you try ballroom dancing? When you take your partner in your arms and move to the music, you may rediscover some of the chemistry that brought you together in the beginning. And, if you choose to try this approach to entertainment and exercise for couples, you'll also be expressing a metaphor for re... Full Story

February 29, 2008
Dance your way to relationship health - Want to jumpstart your tired romance? Why don't you try ballroom dancing? When you take your partner in your arms and move to the music, you may rediscover some of the chemistry that brought you together in the beginning. And, if you choose to try this approach to entertainment and exercise for couples, you'll also be expressing a metaphor for re... Full Story

February 22, 2008
Contracting for change - Can people really change? I'm a therapist so I have to say yes, don't I? What kind of therapist doesn't believe in change? He'd have to be some kind of fraud, wouldn't he? What is it that therapists sell if not change? I'll tell you what it is. It's growth. Growth is a kind of change but it's change along a path. We might say we change when we m... Full Story

February 15, 2008
Capacities of the real self - We Americans usually think of freedom as a good thing. In fact, we worship freedom and the self-expression that springs from it, in all its flourish and variety. It's the bedrock of American culture, the notion upon which we fasten our national identity and which gives rise to the manifold streams of American dialog purveyed by and reflected in a ... Full Story

February 8, 2008
Changing thoughts that kill - The nasty little bugs that routinely killed people before the 20th century have largely been beaten back by medical science. Vaccines have knocked out the worst of them: polio, smallpox, typhoid, typhus and others. This is probably medical science's most valuable contribution to extending, preserving and enhancing human health on this planet. We ... Full Story

February 1, 2008
Capacities of the real self - We Americans usually think of freedom as a good thing. In fact, we worship freedom and the self-expression that springs from it, in all its flourish and variety. It's the bedrock of American culture, the notion upon which we fasten our national identity and which gives rise to the manifold streams of American dialog purveyed by and reflected in a ... Full Story

January 25, 2008
Avoid these behaviors when angry - If there is one behavior that sinks relationships more often than any other, it's what people do to each other when they're angry. I don't know what this is in your house, but the most common is the harsh word spoken in haste. Whether it's an insult, put-down, curse or criticism delivered without compassion, words can damage love. Although ang... Full Story

January 18, 2008
At large in the jungle of love - OK, all you single people, this one's for you. You deserve attention and Lord knows you need it. For the heart is a lonely hunter; courage and patience wear thin. You've been up and down and over and out but still the reward doesn't come. Or maybe it does come but then it goes again and there's many a graceless butt kicking on the road to connubi... Full Story

January 11, 2008
How to live with bipolar disorder - Bipolar disorder, what used to be called manic depression, directly affects between 5 percent and 8 percent of the population. This is not a small group and, considering how disruptive bipolar disorder is to the lives of those who suffer from it, as well as those who live with and love them, it's a good thing we're making meaningful progress tow... Full Story

January 4, 2008
Childhood games mimic relationship patterns - If life sometimes seems a little hard to understand, maybe it's because life is so often a paradox. This quality in ourselves occasionally surprises us. Equally often, we surprise and confound our loved ones when we change from expressing one aspect to another, perhaps its' seeming opposite. A normally calm person becomes suddenly agitated. A k... Full Story

December 28, 2007
Resolve to balance your life this year - So another year bites the dust. But that's just the calendar, isn't it? How are you doing with your New Year's resolution? Have you decided to change anything this year? Or have you joined the cynical majority and given up on New Year's resolutions because you've learned they just don't work, that you can't change like that? I don't blame you ... Full Story

December 21, 2007
It's Christmas again - Just in case you haven't noticed, it's that time of year again. Just like last year and the year before, everybody and their mother did the turkey and gravy thing in November. I hope your ritual meal was satisfying and that your family showed up for it. After all, it is a tradition and tradition means a lot in families. It's one way we remember o... Full Story

December 14, 2007
An alternative to estrangement - At this time of year, most of us find we are focusing more than usual on extended family relationships, visiting or at least making contact with people we don't see that often, but whose roles in our lives are permanent. I say "permanent" because no matter what happens, your brother is always your brother, your mother is always your mother and th... Full Story

December 7, 2007
Achieving mental wellness - Freud defined mental health as the ability to both love and work with success and satisfaction. These are two abilities that require wholly different skills and aptitudes applied in varying venues. To accomplish both is to have mastered life, at least on a basic level and, as far as I know, no one has come up with a better operational definition ... Full Story

November 30, 2007
All behavior is communication - What is the essence of a relationship? Maybe you have your own theory and I'd truly love to hear it someday. But today you're reading my column and I'm going to tell you mine. To me, the core of any relationship is what happens in the space between the individuals. It is that which defines and delineates any relationship. And just what is it that... Full Story

November 23, 2007
Sexual discontinuities - Since I am addressing one of the most sex-crazy species of animal on the entire planet, it occurs to me that I ought to say a little something about that fascinating subject. We have such an ambivalent attitude about sex. We both adore and abhor it. It's easy to understand why folks might get a little confused from time to time. Couple that with ... Full Story

November 16, 2007
Senior women on the loose - When I was a young whippersnapper up there in the great, frozen north, I used to wonder where the heck all the old people were. You just didn't see that many hanging around where I was. Then one winter I visited Florida, first Sarasota, then St. Pete and there they all were, hanging out all over the place. I had always heard Florida was a refuge... Full Story

November 9, 2007
Senior women on the loose - When I was a young whippersnapper up there in the great, frozen north, I used to wonder where the heck all the old people were. You just didn't see that many hanging around where I was. Then one winter I visited Florida, first Sarasota, then St. Pete and there they all were, hanging out all over the place. I had always heard Florida was a refuge... Full Story

November 2, 2007
Self-awareness and acceptance - To make real progress in learning to love, and to make real our full potential, we have to realize our greatest assets in this quest: self-awareness and acceptance. In order to accomplish and make use of self-awareness, we must first learn to be awake to our own feelings. It is only when we allow ourselves to feel the full spectrum of our emotion... Full Story

October 26, 2007
Becoming your own therapist - I remember a New Yorker cartoon from a few years ago that I thought was pretty funny. It showed a guy gazing numbly at one of those digital clocks that show world population or the national debt in seven or eight digits with the one on the right going so fast you can't see the numbers. Only this one, instead of national debt or world population ... Full Story

October 19, 2007
Predictors of marital success - All you people who've never been married, you think it's easy? Think again. Oh, sure, the first couple of years might be a blast. You're young and in love, no kids, both working, plenty of money, the world is your oyster and you face it all together. White lace and promises, a kiss for luck and we're on our way . just lovely. Even people who've d... Full Story

October 12, 2007
Meaning, structure of marriage is changing - The New York Times decided to change its policy to reflect the changing times. Now they to print announcements of same- sex commitment ceremonies. Some believe this is yet another indicator that depravity and perversion are surging and that the Times is a liberal rag, anyway. Sorry, you're wrong. This decision reflects a societal tide shift that c... Full Story

September 28, 2007
Meaning, structure of marriage is changing - The New York Times decided to change its policy to reflect the changing times. Now they to print announcements of same- sex commitment ceremonies. Some believe this is yet another indicator that depravity and perversion are surging and that the Times is a liberal rag, anyway. Sorry, you're wrong. This decision reflects a societal tide shift that c... Full Story

September 21, 2007
Love and the inner self - I became a therapist because I want to engage in daily discussions about important things. I want to encourage people to make decisions in a conscious way about important things, things that really matter in their lives. I realize we could disagree about what is or is not important. Often, it seems to me, we reward most those who contribute to soc... Full Story

September 14, 2007
Healthy hearts: the love connection - St. Valentine's Day is nowhere near. Still, every day is love day and I can't think of a better time to remind you that love is good for your heart. There couldn't be a bad time for that. It's just too important. Anything I can do to help you with your health seems like a good idea to me. In fact, social connectedness, intimacy and belonging are ... Full Story

September 7, 2007
Lessons from the not-so-distant past - Most of the history lessons we get in school are of the political or military variety. We learn about Napoleon and Alexander the Great, their conquests, their downfalls, maybe even the intrigues that surround them. We might study the progress of technology and know that Madame Curie was the first famous woman scientist. Perhaps we study philosophy... Full Story

August 31, 2007
The impact of divorce - Some think that the 40-year rise in the divorce rate was a terrible thing. I say "was," because that rise now seems to have leveled off at just under 50 percent. Maybe, on the other hand, it's not so terrible that people can now do what they want, even change their minds if they decide to, for whatever reason. And maybe it's not so terrible that w... Full Story

August 24, 2007
How to get what you want from your partner - If I had to name the one thing that torpedoes more marriages than any other, the obvious and generic answer would have to be conflict. The fact is, most couples just don't do conflict very well. And it doesn't matter what the conflict is all about. Naturally, some disagreements are more serious than others and some offences are genuine deal-break... Full Story

August 17, 2007
How to change - A lot of people will tell you that people don't really change. What you see is what you get and that's just the end of the story. Well, I suppose they're right, in most cases, unfortunately. Most people don't change much. Maybe they get a little better in certain ways, often balanced by getting a little worse in others, but the leopard doesn't rea... Full Story

August 10, 2007
House devil street angel - Why would a person act like an "angel" in public and a "devil" in the privacy of his home? Why would a person be sweet, generous, polite and considerate with strangers and casual friends, then come home and be rude, angry, selfish and nasty with "loved ones?" I'm sure a lot of people can relate to this question. It would be tempting to say that on... Full Story

July 27, 2007
Healing childhood wounds - One of the main purposes of adult life is to overcome childhood. This critical developmental task is harder for some than for others. And, unfortunately for all of us, many will never manage it. It depends on several things: the severity of your trauma, the availability of loving mentors, later growth experiences and, perhaps most importantly, an ... Full Story

July 13, 2007
Gender differences in everyday talk - Because men and women use language in different ways, they sometimes misunderstand each other without realizing it. One way this happens is when a woman, doing what comes naturally to her, invites her male partner to make a connection with her, to engage in a dialog designed to elucidate their respective positions on a particular topic and to arri... Full Story

July 6, 2007
Gender, culture and the communication of power - Sometimes I think there are really only two kinds of people in the world: males and females. Physically and emotionally speaking, a man has more in common with his gender-mate on the other side of the globe than he does with his own wife. Naturally, he shares language and many cultural and cognitive percepts with a female from his own country but... Full Story

June 29, 2007
Driving off a cliff - One of my earliest media memories smacked me right between the eyes when I first saw it. I must have been age 5 or 6. For years, the scene haunted me like a fragment from a vivid nightmare. Then, finally, I saw it again not even knowing it was coming in that movie. But I clearly and chillingly remembered having seen it and being struck by it at an... Full Story

June 22, 2007
Families, stress and healing - Last week I used the metaphor of terrorism to discuss some rather "terroristic" tendencies in some families. Naturally, I'd like to see those families change away from that sort of scary and abusive behavior. I'm quite sure it affects the personnel in those families in a negative way, because I see the results of it in my office everyday. People d... Full Story

June 15, 2007
End domestic terrorism now - I went to the courthouse yesterday to pay some taxes. As I emptied my pockets and went through the metal detector, I found myself having some familiar thoughts, the same ones I have every time I go through the terrorist screening that has become routine for anyone who travels or goes into a public building. Just look at how a few maniacs have chan... Full Story

June 8, 2007
End domestic terrorism now - I went to the courthouse yesterday to pay some taxes. As I emptied my pockets and went through the metal detector, I found myself having some familiar thoughts, the same ones I have every time I go through the terrorist screening that has become routine for anyone who travels or goes into a public building. Just look at how a few maniacs have chan... Full Story

June 1, 2007
Dynamic tension in marriage - Nowadays, if you want big muscles, you have to join a gym and hire a personal trainer, give up doughnuts and drink protein shakes. Then you show up three times a week and work like hell. When I was a kid, you just sent away to Charles Atlas. What you got back was a program called, "Dynamic Tension," and the way it worked was by using one muscle gr... Full Story

May 25, 2007
Avoid picky conversation starters - If you've been in a love relationship for any time more than six months or so, you must have noticed by now that your partner has some faults. Perfection does not seem to be a human quality, so it is quite normal that, once we get to know someone, we see things that could be improved. And, quite naturally, since we care about that person as well a... Full Story

May 18, 2007
Dependency, stonewalling and denial: murderers of love - I guess everyone understands that marriage is an "interdependent" relationship. Each partner relies on the other for certain "needs," whether material, emotional or behavioral. This is quite normal and works well when both partners pull their own weight without leaning too much on the other to do things for them they should be doing for themselve... Full Story

May 11, 2007
You are your choices - There can be little doubt that you have made yourself into whatever you have become. Whether through conscious or unconscious means, the person you are today is the result of your experiences and your responses to those experiences in action, thought and feeling. You are the end product of your life so far. Whether you can take the credit or deser... Full Story

May 4, 2007
Mass murder in the new millennium - The last time I set out to write a column on sociopathy was right after the Washington, D.C. snipers were caught. Hard to believe that was five years ago. The 10 people they killed are still dead and one of these days John Allen Muhammad will be joining them, courtesy of the state of Virginia. His protégé, Lee Malvo, is doing life without parole. ... Full Story

April 27, 2007
Adoption: emotional issues that last a lifetime - What a blessing. A brand new baby comes to a family that desperately wants another member. Love is instantly present. Everyone has everything they could have wanted. Peoples' lifetime dreams are fulfilled, often after years of frustration and disappointment. Destiny engaged in a moment of bliss and contentment. But wait. There's another side to... Full Story

April 20, 2007
A marriage worth having - takes time I've always thought that if there were a reason to get married and forsake the intimate company of all the other eligible partners on earth, it would have to be a very good reason. Is it enough just to not be lonely? Can it be we are destined to fulfill the expectations of our friends and family? Do we blindly enact the dictates of our ... Full Story

April 13, 2007
Common mistakes in couples' conflict - Probably the trickiest part of marriage is handling conflict in a way that preserves both the self and the relationship. The key to preserving self is asserting yourself in a way that is clear and honest, along with a resistance to absorbing, through contagion, the emotional state of the other. This might be seen as staying true to yourself. The ... Full Story

April 6, 2007
Pull over and get directions before it's too late - Women will stop and ask directions; men prefer to find their own way, even if it takes a little longer. Of course, we men are usually pretty sure we're not really all that lost anyway, just momentarily disoriented. Surely, if I go just a few more miles, I'll find my bearings again. After all, I'm still in the world, aren't I? How far from the tru... Full Story

March 30, 2007
Prayer is good for your health - Much has been made in the past seven years or so about the mind and soul of President George W. Bush, our reverent and determined leader. The Europeans think he's a little too religious, a born-again fundamentalist, a bit too sure of the righteousness of his path. Some Americans feel that way about him, too. Others like him that way. Mr. Bush says... Full Story

March 16, 2007
Oral, anal or genital: which one are you? - The other day, during what I hope was a therapeutic conversation, a client explained to me that she was not "anal." I think I know what she meant, and I guess you do too, but it struck me that this is a funny way of describing oneself. Still, I suppose we must admit that this word has come into common usage. What she was telling me is that she is ... Full Story

March 9, 2007
Mid-life challenges for couples - In order to function well and to be satisfied throughout the life cycle, each of us must find the capacity within to adapt to changing demands. Life doesn't stay the same. We have transitions to negotiate. And it is precisely these transitionsthat prove most difficult for most people. Once we've accommodated ourselves to the demands and routines o... Full Story

March 2, 2007
Security needs kill romance - There are a lot of married couples out there not "doing it." You know what I mean, don't you? Hey, this is a family newspaper. To tell the truth, I doubt whether many children read my columns even on a sporadic basis. Anyway, I said it and many of you know it's true. People aren't making love as much as they could, or should or would if they enjo... Full Story

February 23, 2007
Mid-life challenges for couples - In order to function well and to be satisfied throughout the life cycle, each of us must find the capacity within to adapt to changing demands. Life doesn't stay the same. We have transitions to negotiate. And it is precisely these transitions that prove most difficult for most people. Once we've accommodated ourselves to the demands and routines ... Full Story

February 16, 2007
Don't hold out for perfection - Down here in South Florida we have a lot of veterans. Oh, I don't mean military veterans (although I'm sure we have many World War II, Korean, Vietnam, Desert Storm and even Iraq vets kicking around our golf courses and beaches. Thanks, guys.) But I'm referring to those plain old veterans of life, people who've been around the track a time or two,... Full Story

February 9, 2007
To rekindle the romance, change your behavior - Here's a simple little tip on how to get your tired sex life up and running again. Find a way to get re-interested in your partner. Get curious and realize you probably don't know them as well as you think. You may just be drifting towards the rocks in your comfortable, self-constructed ship of pseudo-security and delusion. Remember, one in five ... Full Story

February 2, 2007
To rekindle the romance, change your behavior - Here's a simple little tip on how to get your tired sex life up and running again. Find a way to get re-interested in your partner. Get curious and realize you probably don't know them as well as you think. You may just be drifting towards the rocks in your comfortable, self-constructed ship of pseudo-security and delusion. Remember, one in five ... Full Story

January 26, 2007
Heal hard feelings with reassurance and an apology - Many couples would reap less lasting damage from their conflicts if they made up with more skill and determination. Love relationships can be pretty resilient if they are nourished properly with affection, fun, tenderness, sex and togetherness. On the other hand, if the relationship is starved, strained and stressed without respite, it can become ... Full Story

January 19, 2007
Hanging out and hooking up: changes in America's courtship - I recall a time when, if you wanted to get close to an attractive woman, you had to find a way to get a "date." That is, you had to get her alone or call her, take her out, drop some cash, show her a good time and try to make her like you. That antiquated strategy, while effective if she did like you, could get expensive. Then, at some point, you ... Full Story

December 29, 2006
Develop patience to manage stress - OK, here we are at the beginning of another year and here you are with another chance to change your life. Of course, you had that chance all last year, didn't you? But did you do it? What about the year before? I don't know if you're one of those who make New Year's resolutions or not. I'm not really, although this year I think I'll decide to pl... Full Story

December 22, 2006
All alone for the holidays? - Most people will be gathering with their loved ones in a few days to celebrate Christmas. Despite all the hassles and expense, the frantic last-minute hustle to get everything ready, the incessant commercial push to get you to buy more and the revolting strains of Burl Ives and Brenda Lee singing holiday favorites everywhere you go, many people st... Full Story

December 15, 2006
The challenge of loving - An ordinary person sees everything as good or bad. Some things may be neutral, too, but everything is evaluated and its desirability, or lack thereof, is duly registered. Then, one's attitude and behavior toward the thing (or person) is determined by whether one sees it as good, bad or neutral. For the extraordinary person things are different. Fo... Full Story

December 8, 2006
Testing driving philosophies - Remember that old Meyer Baba poster from the '70s? Here was this kindly old guru with a big mustache and a sweet smile. Under his photo was the simple phrase, "Don't worry; be happy." When I saw it I thought, "Hmm, that's a simple philosophy. Is that how he sums it all up? In this world, with all its complex problems and dangerous moments, can th... Full Story

December 1, 2006
Don't let your kids hit the skids - To become fully functional adults, we must develop the ability to monitor and regulate our inner ecology. This sounds like a simple goal, but it is one of the most elusive adult skills and may be the one thing that most separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls. Some children are inherently disadvantaged due to their inborn te... Full Story

November 24, 2006
It's the holiday time again, or whatever - It 's the holiday season again, in case you haven't noticed yet. Soon the stupefying strains of "Holly Jolly Christmas" will be insinuating themselves into our consciousness, just like last year and the year before. Just like last year and the year before, everybody and their mother ate turkey yesterday. I hope your ritual eating orgy was satis... Full Story

November 17, 2006
Keeping the conversation on track - I think it was William Faulkner who likened marriage to a 40-year conversation. In other words, you had better enjoy talking with your spouse or you're in for a long period of either boredom or bedlam. There are many things you can do the make your long conversations interesting and pleasant. Common sense would inform us of some of them: be honest... Full Story

November 10, 2006
Values and marriage in the political arena - In this election season, both major parties have trotted out their favorite "values issues" in the hope of mobilizing their bases to come out and vote. While they're at it, they hope to light a fire under a few, uncommitted voters by dancing on those familiar hot buttons: embryonic stem cell research, gay marriage and, that good old standby, abort... Full Story

November 3, 2006
Bedtime story for grownups - Struggling spouses ask me if I think there any happy marriages out there. Of course, I know there are. Most of them don't come to see me in my office, but once in awhile a happy couple will come in for a consult on some family problem or other. And I run into a few of them just out and about, as you probably do. If you're very lucky or even slight... Full Story

October 27, 2006
How to make yourself miserable by reenacting history - Family therapists have appropriated some traditional aphorisms because we like them and because they fit. Like this one from George Santayana: "Those who don't learn from history are condemned to repeat it." Or, this one from an anonymous near Eastern source: "The parents have eaten bitter lemons and the children's teeth are set on edge." Here's an... Full Story

October 20, 2006
A successful marriage demands maturity - If the institution of marriage is weaker than it used to be (and there is little doubt that it is), simplistic explanations don't cut it. Originally a religious ritual, and ultimately a sacrament performed before God and society to define family relatedness, marriage has now become just one of many ways to live together. Marriage has lost most of ... Full Story

October 13, 2006
How to make yourself miserable by reenacting history - Family therapists have appropriated some traditional aphorisms because we like them and because they fit. Like this one from George Santayana: "Those who don't learn from history are condemned to repeat it." Or, this one from an anonymous near Eastern source: "The parents have eaten bitter lemons and the children's teeth are set on edge." Here's a... Full Story

October 6, 2006
Whipped or winning? - Here's the scene: A bunch of dudes are hanging. Some are married, some sort-of-married, some are divorced and some never hitched. But they're all there together doing some male bonding, you know, having a few drinks and a few laughs, teasing each other, maybe watching a game. Suddenly, someone's cell phone goes off. He answers it, talks quietly ... Full Story

September 29, 2006
What to do about anger - A few weeks ago I discussed some of the sources of anger from the past that contaminate our present experience. Hurt, fear and frustration in prior relationships, along with faulty habits in thinking, can contribute to anger that is all out of proportion to current situations. And anger is a big problem in relationships, maybe the biggest of all. ... Full Story

September 22, 2006
Whipped or winning? - Here's the scene: A bunch of dudes are hanging. Some are married, some sort-of-married, some are divorced and some never hitched. But they're all there together doing some male bonding, you know, having a few drinks and a few laughs, teasing each other, maybe watching a game. Suddenly, someone's cell phone goes off. He answers it, talks quietly ... Full Story

September 15, 2006
Daycare: enhancing emotional attachments - This morning I met my neighbor on my way out to the daily round. She told me she had just dropped off her 4-year-old daughter on her first day of pre-K. I could see she was preoccupied, probably because she and little Marie had parted on bad terms. Marie doesn't feel ready for school and has never been away from her mother for that long. She does... Full Story

September 8, 2006
Changing economics force family adaptation - In more and more families, it's mom who greases the wheels of economic progress. Even though they are still paid less than men in comparable positions (78 cents on the dollar), women have made tremendous gains in the workplace during the past generation. Most women now expect to spend at least a part of their adult lives working and, more than eve... Full Story

September 1, 2006
Sex and bonding: Just do it - Men and women are more alike than different, even when it comes to sexual function. Male and female reproductive equipment appears very different and is, of course, designed for different purposes. But our sexual organs derive from the same embryonic tissues, are served by the same nerves and, with the notable exceptions of conception, pregnancy a... Full Story

August 25, 2006
Wrapping up a life well lived - When you get near the end of your time here on terra firma, before you slip this mortal coil and trundle off to your reward in the sky, you might want to think about whether you've got this life thing figured out. Did you get a handle on what you're supposed to be doing here? Or, did you fumble blindly up to the bitter end? Perhaps you were one of... Full Story

August 18, 2006
You don't have to be a rocket scientist - Most of the tasks we appoint ourselves to are simple. Take the daily maintenance chores of life. You don't have to be a rocket scientist. I can tell you from experience. We have quite a few rocket scientists around here and I've talked to them and being one doesn't help much with the simple chores of life. A rocket scientist might be able to fix h... Full Story

August 11, 2006
Twelve steps to spiritual healing - Sigmund Freud said that religious and spiritual experiences are illusory, mere examples of wish fulfillment. He looked inside of us, saw what was missing and the steps we take to fill in the missing parts. And why do you suppose there would be something missing in us? Dr. Freud's answer to that was childhood trauma. But this doesn't have to mean a... Full Story

August 4, 2006
Looking at the root of conflict: anger - Looks like déją vu all over again in the perennial war between the Arabs and the Jews. You could say it's a religious conflict or a face-off between democracy and the forces of authoritarianism (religious politics). Or, if you're of a pragmatic turn of mind, you might say that the Arabs want their land back and the Jews want to be free from sudde... Full Story

July 28, 2006
The defeat of passion - I wish I had a dollar for every time a client said to me, "I love my partner but I'm not 'in love' with him (her)." We all understand what this means, don't we? There's caring, sharing, history, familiarity and respect. But the thrill is gone. The reliability is there. We know (or think we know) just what our partner will think, feel and do in ... Full Story

July 21, 2006
Your interpersonal brain - Your body lives by inhaling, ingesting, exhaling and excreting elements of the material world around it. The molecules and atoms that make up your body today are not the same ones that comprised you last year. Many of the cells you used to call "you" have been shed and replaced by others just like them. You are constantly being renewed and refurbi... Full Story

July 14, 2006
Child abuse and world history - Yesterday, I had a conversation with a man whose father terrified him on a regular basis. No, he didn't beat him. Apparently, he was more likely to batter his wife and daughters, for some reason. But the son was always afraid his father would turn his violent rage on him. So, he grew up walking on eggshells, as they say. Now, this man is a fat... Full Story

July 7, 2006
Getting ready for the end game - I probably read more than I should. Anything can be taken to excess. I should spend more time sitting around thinking for myself, but I guess I'm too lazy. That seems like hard work compared with reading the thoughts of others. Anyway, smarter people than I have already figured out a lot of what puzzles us so why shouldn't I take advantage of t... Full Story

June 30, 2006
Maintaining 'us-ness' in marriage - A lively, healthy marriage requires not only that the individuals in it are satisfied and fulfilled. The two partners must each act to maintain the essential "us-ness" that forms the center of their bond. It is that sense of "us" as a unique and valued entity, over and sometimes above the individuals, that often is an early casualty as a marriag... Full Story

June 23, 2006
How meditation works - I have no illusions about the popularity of meditation practice. After recommending it to hundreds of people, I doubt that 10 have even tried it. Of those 10, I know of no one who's ever stuck with it. So, it's a minority thing, for sure. Still, most people know that it's the best thing for stress management. The meditation groups I have attend... Full Story

June 16, 2006
Helping kids weather the storm - Having survived Frances, Jeanne and Wilma, I guess I'm qualified to have a few thoughts about hurricanes and what it takes to live in South Florida. Being an adult, as you probably are, I have a realistic understanding of bad storms and what they can do. Not that I've ever lived through one myself, mind you, because the three damsels heretofore me... Full Story

June 9, 2006
Competing commitments complicate conjugality - Success in marriage has everything to do with commitment. Recall your wedding vows. Didn't you say you were going to stay with this relationship and work through everything? If you had a traditional ceremony you said you would stick through better or worse, sickness or health, for richer or for poorer, 'til death do you part. Of course, I realize... Full Story

May 5, 2006
How to be happy - What do you know about being happy? I wonder if you understand that not everyone is cut out to be happy. Some people seem to be born to suffer. Problems are us. It's just one thing after another, isn't it? With all the stresses and chores coming at us it's a wonder anyone finds time to be happy. I don't worry about this because I see a great nee... Full Story

April 28, 2006
10 tips for marriage maintenance - If you thought marriage was supposed to be fun, you're right. If you thought it was supposed to be easy, you're wrong. But anything worth doing is worth a little effort, right? And you know, you have to suffer a little to really have fun, don't you? I don't want it to be any harder for you than it has to be. I've put together this list of 10 tips ... Full Story

April 21, 2006
Reaching for an enlightened love - The fortunate among us, and I hope that includes you, have experienced love in multiple, various forms. First, I hope you remember receiving the instinctive, biological, undeniable and unconditional love of a parent for a child. It is this love that gives us our first shelter and without which we could not grow in health and security. It is as ba... Full Story

April 14, 2006
The rules of war: homefront edition - Regular readers will recall columns in which I have stressed the importance of regulating the intensity of conflict in your family relationships. The reason why this is important in the family is the same as the reason why it's important to have rules of war in the international arena. Without them, we would have unbridled conflict that would quic... Full Story

April 6, 2006
Attitudes and latitudes - They say most people will experience depression at some point in their life. Speaking for myself, I've already had mine, and I hope I never have another because it was not fun. I don't believe I had any predisposition to become depressed. There was no family history of it. There wasn't anything wrong with my chemical make-up. But there was someth... Full Story

February 16, 2006
Surviving infidelity - Extramarital cheating is one of the surest ways to devastate a marriage. The only thing more damaging is physical abuse. Full Story

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